felt an urge to post up an entry, and here am i.

received an email recently.
didnt thought much of it, cuz i thought i believed we'd cooled down after such a long period of time.

and yet, to my devastation,
i received sth that i'd never anticipated.
no, im not saying im anticipating some heart warming greetings for post new year or whatsoever.
just, didnt anticipated that the words used could still be so harsh.

this (going) two years, has been long.
really long.
many has doubted the decision i made, reasoning it with me,
whilst some supported me thoroughly.

someone, in fact an elderly, has actually supported me by saying: "if she feels its money worth, then let her go ahead. it really meant how badly things had became. so bad, we couldnt imagine"

i've never been so sure of my decision, just felt that, i do feel better after doing it.
felt so much lighter, so much burden-free.
and you'd never imagine the life then.
i couldnt believe i survive so long, all alone.

he was practically away, while things happened.
listening to one sided story (or perhaps, viewing it one sidedly), choosing to believe the one he loves.
no, it didnt meant that this is wrong.
i supported him that way, cause at least she doesnt have to suffer.
i do love her, just that i know i cant live with her.
i dont want to bring sufferings to us, both.

the only, and greatest disappointment caused was that,
he didnt even bother to find out the whole story and chose to wrong me with what he thought he knew.
i was to blame too. many times, i felt an urge to talk to him, but i stopped myself.
i dont want them to quarrel cause of me.
not that i want to play a hero, but i know its pointless.
there's no conclusion to it.

no one knows how hard it has been.
they seen me cry, but no, thats not all.
the pain inflicted.
the hurt.
the torture.
the contradiction.
the way your heart is so suffocated, it felt as thou u're going to get drown.
by all your sorrows.
exaggerating?
you'll never know.

I dont want to cry again because of this.
No, i had enough tears.
my eyes still hurt.
and i wish to left unhurt.

so please, treat me with tender the next time.