it has been a very tiring day,
a very tedious week,
a very horrible month.

im somehow glad that this month is over soon,
like say in another 4 days.
very relieved that at least i wunn be bringing all my troubles and fuss over to the coming month,
which i hope will be much better.


a cursed march,

with the most horrendous& screwed up, together with major embarrassment first job interview,

very troublesome yet forever unsolveable (at least it seems to me now) family matters,

the failures& rejection got from the so many sent resumes,

the luck/offer/opportunity/change in fate that came& go before i got the chance to grab it,

the many attempts of job interviews, trying to be better in creating the first impression after every interviews, trying to think of more things to crap on so i stand a higher chance to get in and all,

the very painful yet unchangeable decision made, that would disappoint so many people,

and till now,
to decide on whether to embark on this new journey filled with fear and unsureness or to carry on in search for more opportunities laid in front.


alot of emotions have been involved.
tears, arguments, confusion, struggling and all.
it has been a painful month,
a period where i dunn wish to think back for the rest of my lifetime.

i was brought near to the heaven,
and got threw down before touching it.
it almost had been a wonderful month,
if i wasnt thrown down back to earth.

life aint smooth sailing for a start.
someone ever said that,
living in this world,
is actually worse than being in the 18th level of hell.

in 18th level of hell,
you never know what is happiness,
thats why you have nth to compare.
torture& pain are nth,
when you never experience happiness.

because you know you could achieve a higher level of satisfaction - thats being happy,
you worked very hard for it,
and get slapped hard in the face when you dinn got it.
that,
is worst than being physically torture all along.
sounds weird,
but at least that was what i was told.


to reflect back,
that was what i went through.

being unsatisfied with every single thing around me,
weighing the differences,
balancing the advantages,
thinking thru the lucks and chances that may come by.

it was like gambling with the amt of happiness i have now,
in exchange for sth that even i wasnt sure if it exists.

and the returns,
i got my fingers burnt,
heart burnt,
&hope burnt too.

the brain cells got dried up,
the heart went dead, ( i wasnt even sure if it is still pumping now)
the eyes were hurtful.

it was worse than playing 4D and toto.
it was worse than anyone could imagine.
everything just kept crushing down before i could react.
and it is all due to,
greed.

i should have been satisfied.
i should have understood that what was mine will eventually be mine.
i shouldnt push my luck too far.
i knew that this is my fate,
and i shouldnt be doing anything funny just to achieve that kinda unreachable satisfaction.
i shouldnt have snatch other ppl's opportunity,
when i have already got what i needed.
i shouldnt harbour thoughts of wants,
when i couldnt even satisfy my needs.

27 days of march had gone,
before i understood my mistakes and found solutions to my problems.
now,
im left with 4 days to amend,
before i embark on a new journey,
to explore and understand different things.

today's trip to the temple has been useful.
today's prayers have been enlightened.

today,
i cann finally sleep in peace.
i really pray that april will be better.

i hope i dinn make the wrong decision after all.

i will be dreamt of,
and thought of often,
by my dearest cousins!

HAHA!
thanks for being there to counsel me before, during and after my lowest period.
:)

and friends who were shocked by me.
HEHE.
dunn worry lar,
i will update you guys about the details,
but meanwhile,
wunn trouble you guys physically.
ONLY mentally!
MUAHA.
you know how unserious i cann get,
even when the most serious thing happens.

like what i told my cousin,
even when the sky falls,
i will just get myself crushed with a smile,
hoping i wunn get too far away from my beloved grandma.

his reply was so simple yet direct.
you are insanely uncurable.

thats the way im.
for whatever reasons it might be.
the way im taught,
the way im brought up,
the way im moulded.

im suddenly tired of blogging.
tired of screaming nonsensical items online.
tired of updating this dead space.

perhaps,
im just getting bored by my life.
like always.
YELLS.

btw,
tag on my board if you have any offers for rooms for rental.
thanks!
:D

one,
not only has to show their love and feelings,
but also to say it out sometimes.

human are greedy.
greed for love, for feelings, for confirmation and more.
one wunn just be satisfied when they were always told that they were loved when theres no action to prove it,
nor would they be satisfied by just the act of it, without mentioning that they had been cared for or loved.

words and actions co-exist.
they dunn stand by themselves.

show that you love,
and say that you do too.
only then,
will the other party knows for sure,
they have been cared for, loved or even needed.

:)

vexed.
irritated.
agitated.

seriously got a problem with your attitude.
damnit.
always think that what you do is right.
always think that you have nth against me.
reflect back.
you just wanna scream.

scream all you wann.
its fine with me.
just dunn malign me for sth that i hadnt done.
dunn act as thou you are very forgiving.
when you are the least.

apologise for sth you KNOW you have done wrongly.
and not try to find new excuses to cover it up.
come on,
preach what you teach.

gain ppl respect.
and not ASK for it,
or rather,
with your current attitude it seems more like you DEMAND it.

whats given to you shouldnt be taken for granted.
when you are biased,
admit it.
excuses are lame shit.
especially when you forbid me to do so.

argh.
im still god damn unhappy.
CANN YOU LIKE JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU ARE UNHAPPY ABOUT?!
im NOT your god alright.
i DUNN go around reading ppl's mind.
AT LEAST YOURS IS UN-READABLE.

or the least you could do is,
dunn mess up with my life.

GRR.
damn angry.
:(

我需要更坚强些。

the trip was alright.
with a big big hole burnt in the pocket.
the older cousins are all working now,
in other states.
the younger ones are busy with studies.
aunts& uncles are obviously busy with work,
like forever...

so,
mummy& i decided to splurge ABIT,
treat ourselves with yummilicious food,
(stuff like SEAFOODS, and cafes delights! omgosh)
&then shop like mad.

thinking back,
ringgits seem like papers to us then.
everything SEEM cheap and affordable when its actually not the case.
(when we do the calculations after reaching s'pore, its actually not that cheap after all.)
our cousins and aunt thought we are mad alright!
hahahhas.
after all, ringgits to them are REAL money all along.


brought home so many stuff!
nearly got screamed by dad.
we exchanged those light weighted notes with two big bags of luggage!!!
:D

VERY HAPPY with that.
AND THE YUMMY FOOD I FINALLY GET TO EAT AFTER TWO YEARS.

and yes,
i returned with an additional of few cms on the waistline, thighs and arms!
and an additional of few pounds.
WOO.

ate FIVE whooping MEALS a day.
meals as in, proper meals.
not those few pieces of biscuits,
not those few moouthful of desserts.
five meals EXCLUDE them.

i think i cann die.
LOL

imagine char kway tiao cann be the side dishes for us! (mum& i only btw)
or a plate of orh jian!!
best of my life man!!!
:D

but,
i witness terrible incidents.
incidents i thought that might never have occur in our family.
they look so peaceful on the outside.
but underneath are those dark secrets.

was it because,
we have grown 'old' enough to understand their language?
or that we are sensible enough to absorb what they say?
or rather,
they have grown that old,
that they have became picky with the ppl and things around them.

the internal words exchanging behind ppl's back is so prominent,
that i think everyone knows someone is talking about them behind their back.
horrible horrible.
and terrible.
chaifang had a 5day straight off,
with 2days spent at kedah with us.
the remaining 3days were spent listening to ppl's gossips and watching vcd with me.
(they were talking in the car, in the house, almost everywhere!!!!!)
btw,
she has grown to be such a handsome lady,
i fell in love with her at the first sight!
LOL

could sense her 'cannot-take-it-lah'
and i gave her that kinda look back.
cant they be slightly more understanding,
and not gossip in front of the younger generation at least?
hais!

mouth is such a harmful weapon.
imagine if any of them are those very easily angered or
very easily agitated and will do follow up actions afterwards,
the whole family will end up killing one another.
:(

forget it,
at least i wunn be listening to those stuff for a year at least.
muaha!
*touchwood thou, i dunn wanna go back during qing ming! hahahs!*

back to fang yang de xing xing!!!
i got so many shows to watch!!
WOHOOOO.